Church Humour - Christ Church Rathgar

HEADSTONE STORIES

Harry Edsel Smith of Albany. New York

Born 1903 - died 1942

Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down - it was!

In a Thurmont. Maryland cemetry

Here lies an atheist - all dressed up and nowhere to go.

In a Ruidso. New Mexico cemetry

Here lies Johnny Yeast - pardon me for not rising.

In a Uniontown. Pennsylvania cemetry

Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake - stepped on the gas instead of the brake.

In a Silver City. Nevada cemetry

Here lies The Kid - we planted him raw

He was quick on the trigger but slow on the draw.

A lawyer’s epitaph in England

Sir John Strange - here lies an honest lawyer - and that is strange.

Headstone Stories
by ChristArt.com

John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne. England cemetry

Reader, if cash thou art in want of any, dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.

In a cemetry in Hartscombe. England

On the 22nd June Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune.

Anna Hopewells grave in Enosburo Falls. Vermont

Here lies the body of our Anna - done to death by a banana

It wasn't the fruit that laid her low but the skin of the thing that made her go.

On a grave from the 1880's in Nantucket. Massachusetts

Under the sod and under the trees lies the body of Jonathan Pease

He is not here, there's only the pod - Peas shelled out and went to God.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Don’t let your worries get the better of you. Remember, Moses started out as a basket case.

Some people are kind and sweet-spirited - until you try and sit in their pew.

Many people want to serve God - but only as advisors.

It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.

The good Lord didn’t create anything without a purpose - but mosquitoes come close.

When you get to your wits end you will find that God lives there.

People are funny - they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road and the back of the church.

Opportunity may knock once but temptation bangs on your front door forever.

Quit griping about your church - if it was perfect you couldn’t belong.

Some minds are like concrete - thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.

The phrase that is guaranteed to wake up a congregation: “And in conclusion……………”

If the church wants a better pastor it only needs pray for the one it has.

I don’t know why some people change churches - what difference does it make which on you stay away from?

CHURCH BULLETINS

Believe it or not, the following announcements actually appeared in various church bulletins - not CCR's ones!!:

1. Don't let worry kill you - let the church help.

2. Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

5. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

7. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

8. Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.

9. Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. AIl ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the
Pastor in his study.

10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the alter.

11. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

12. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new
carpet will come forward and do so.

13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

15. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

SUNDAY SCHOOL QUOTES

Heard from kids at Sunday School (not CCR!):

The first book of the Bible is Guiness, in which Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day and ball of fire by night.
A Christian should only have one wife. This is called monotony.
Sampson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.
Unleavened bread is bread made without any ingredients.
Moses went to the top of Mt. Cyanide to get the ten commandments.
The seventh commandment is "Thou shalt not admit adultery."
Solomon had 300 wives & 700 Porcupines.
Mary had an immaculate contraption.
Epistles were the wives of the Apostles.
Matthew was one of the Opossums.

by ChristArt.com

ACCOUNTABILITY

Does the following remind anyone of church committees?:

This is a story about four people, named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.

Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.

Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job.

Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realised that Everybody wouldn't do it.

It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody, when Nobody did what Anybody could have.

THE SENILITY PRAYER

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked,

the good fortune to run into the ones I do,

and the eyesight to tell the difference...

Prayer requests
by ChristArt.com

PSALM 23

DEAR GOD...from the kids!

Dear God,

Please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There is nothing good in here now.

Amanda

Dear God,

Thank you for the baby brother but what I asked for was a puppy. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up.

Joyce

Dear Mr God,

I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come apart. I had to have 3 stitches and a shot.

Janet

God,

I read the bible. What does beget mean? Nobody will tell me.

Love Alison

Dear God,

How did you know you were God? Who told you?

Charlene

Dear God,

Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his golf words in the house?

Anita

Dear God,

I bet it's very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it.

Nancy

Dear God,

I like the story about Noah the best of all of them. You really made up some good ones. I like walking on water, too.

Glenn

Dear God,

My Grandpa says you were around when he was a little boy. How far back do you go?

Love, Dennis

Dear God,

Do you draw the lines around the countries? If you don't, who does?

Nathan

Dear God,

Did you mean for giraffes to look like that or was it an accident?

Norma

Dear God,

In bible times, did they really talk that fancy?

Jennifer

Dear God,

How come you did all those miracles in the old days and don't do any now?

Billy

Dear God,

Please send Dennis Clark to a different summer camp this year.

Peter

Dear God,

Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they each had their own rooms. It works out OK with me and my brother.

Larry

Dear God,

I keep waiting for spring, but it never did come yet. What's up? Don't forget.

Mark

Dear God,

My brother told me about how you are born but it just doesn't sound right. What do you say?

Marsha

Dear God,

If you watch in Church on Sunday I will show you my new shoes.

Barbara

Dear God,

Is Reverend Coe a friend of yours, or do you just know him through the business?

Donny

Dear God,

I do not think anybody could be a better God thank you. Well, I just want you to know that. I am not just saying that because you are already God.

Charles

Dear God,

It is great the way you always get the stars in the right place. Why can't you do that with the moon?

Jeff

Dear God,

I am doing the best I can. Really !!!!

Frank

Dear God,

I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday night. That was really cool.

Thomas

CHURCH SIGN SAYINGS

Give God what's right - not what's left.

Man's way leads to a hopeless end - God's way leads to endless hope.

A lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing.

He who kneels before God can stand before anyone.

Are you wrinkled with burden? Come to the church for a face lift.

We don't change God's message - his message changes us.

He who angers you controls you.

Church Sign Sayings
by ChristArt.com

Planning to go to Heaven? Get your flight training here.

You aren't too bad to come in. You aren't good enough to stay out.

The wages of sin is death. Repent before payday.

BIBLE READING

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only 16 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

Foolish people tell lies
by ChristArt.com

NOAH'S ARK

"The Woodpeckers have to go!!!"

Everything I need to know about life, I learned from Noah's Ark:

One: Don't miss the boat.
Two: Remember that we are all in the same boat.
Three: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.
Four: Stay fit When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.
Five: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
Six: Build your future on high ground.
Seven: For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
Eight: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
Nine: When you're stressed, float a while.
Ten: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.
Eleven: No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a rainbow waiting.

SHORT THOUGHTS

God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts.
Dear God, I have a problem, it's me.
God answers knee-mail.
The Lord loves a cheerful giver. He also accepts from a grouch.
Growing old is inevitable. Growing UP is optional.
There is no key to happiness. The door is always open.
Do the maths - count your blessings.
Faith is the ability to not panic.

You don't have to say everything you think!
by ChristArt.com

As a child of God, prayer is kind of like calling home everyday.
Blessed are the flexible for they shall not be bent out of shape.
Laugh every day, it's like inner jogging.
A grudge is a heavy thing to carry.
Don't gripe about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn't be a member.
If God is your co-pilot, switch seats with Him!

Laughing fish
by ChristArt.com

If you worry, you didn't pray. If you pray, don't worry.
If you are headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns.
Proverbs are short sentences drawn from long experience.
Put your creed in your deed.
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left.
A cemetery should not really blame the cost of living, if it increases its charges!
People are funny. They want the front of the bus, middle of the road, and the back of the church.
When we get tangled up in our problems, be still. God wants us to be still so He can untangle the knot.

Good people have good thoughts
by ChristArt.com

TELEVISION

On the table side by side, the Holy Bible and the T.V. Guide.
One is well worn but cherished with pride; not the Bible, the T.V. Guide.
One is used daily to help them decide; no, it isn't the Bible, it's the T.V. Guide.
As pages are turned, what shall we see? It doesn't matter, turn on the T.V.
Confusion reigns; they can't all agree on what they should watch on the old T.V.
So, they open the book in which they confide; no, not the Bible, the T.V. Guide.
The Word of God is seldom read, maybe a verse as they fall into bed.
Exhausted and sleepy, and as tired as can be, not from reading the Bible, but from watching T.V.
So then back to the table, side by side, the Holy Bible and the T.V. Guide.
No time for prayer, no time for the Word; the plan of salvation is seldom heard.
Yet, forgiveness of sins, so full and so free, is found in the Bible, not on T.V.

Television temptations...!
by ChristArt.com

A COMMITTEE DEFINED!

A Committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing,
but as a group decide that nothing can be done.

Committee? Perhaps not...!
by ChristArt.com

SIGN OF THE TIMES

A five year old was discussing Noah's Ark with Grandma.
Grandma asked, "How many animals went into the Ark?"
The youngster replied: "One mail and one e-mail."

Noah's Ark
by ChristArt.com

AGE OF INNOCENCE

A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."
"Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?"

SEEING THINGS

A nearsighted minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by way of an usher. The note read: "Bill Jones having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."
Failing to observe the punctuation, the clergyman startled his audience by announcing: "Bill Jones, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."

Glasses

OLD BUT WISE

A new minister was talking to the oldest member of his congregation.
"I am 90 years old, sir, and I haven't an enemy in the world," said the aged one.
"That is a beautiful thought," said the clergyman approvingly.
"Yes sir," was the answer. "I'm thankful to say that I've outlived them all."

GENEROSITY

A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch, he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table.
"Mind if I have a few?" he asks.
"No not at all," the woman replied.
They chat for an hour and as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl.
"I'm totally sorry for eating all your peanuts, I really meant to just have a few."
"Oh that's all right," the woman says. "Ever since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off them!"

SUNDAY SCHOOL CLASSICS

"Just think, children," said the missionary, "in Africa there are six million square miles where little boys and girls have no Sunday School. Now, what should we all strive to save money for?"
"To go to Africa!", replied the children in unison.

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."

A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?"
"No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms?"

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?
A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.
"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.
"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "

A Sunday school teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible, Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the verse. Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. Then came the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation. When it was his turn, Rick stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."

A Sunday school teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, "My Mummy looked back once while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honour thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

THE TRUTH PREVAILS!

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.
"Yes, Sir." the new recruit replied.
"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."

Stretching the truth!
by ChristArt.com

DRIVE CAREFULLY!

Drive carefully! Remember, it's not only a car that can be recalled by it's maker.

However, if you MUST speed on a motorway, sing these hymns loudly:

at 45 mph.... "God Will Take Care of Me"
at 55 mph.... "Guide me, O Great Jehovah"
at 65 mph.... "Nearer My God to Thee"
at 75 mph.... "Nearer Still Nearer"
at 85 mph.... "This World is Not My Home"
at 95 mph.... "Lord, I'm Coming Home"
at 100 mph.... "Precious Memories"

SERMON ON THE COUNT

Overheard during a particular long sermon, "If we give him the money now, Mommy, will he let us go?"

GRAVE HUMOUR...ahem.

Sign at a crematorium: "Urn more. Pay less".

by ChristArt.com

YOUNG BUT WISE

A group of children were lined up in a school cafeteria for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The R.E. teacher made a note, "Take only one, God is watching."

Moving through the line, to the other end of the table, was a large plate of biscuits. One of the boys wrote a note, "Take all you want, God is watching the apples."

by ChristArt.com

PREACHING 2 FOR 1

A minister selected a 50-cent item at a local convenience shop but then discovered he didn't have any money with him.
"I could invite you to hear me preach in return," he said jokingly to the clerk, "but I'm afraid I don't have any fifty-cent sermons."
"Perhaps," suggested the clerk, "I could come twice."

OPTIMISM v's PESSIMISM

The optimist says, "My cup runneth over, what a blessing."

The pessimist says, "My cup runneth over, what a mess."

My cup runneth over...
by ChristArt.com

MONEY TALKS

The minister said, "Today I've prepared a €10 sermon on fire and brimstone that will take me about an hour and half to deliver. I've also prepared a €50 sermon on the evils of sin that will take about 45 minutes to give. Finally, I've got a 10 minute €100 sermon on love and generosity. We'll take the collection at this time to see which one you'll vote for."

Generosity brings the reward of great increase
by ChristArt.com

ATTENDANCE

The preacher was growing concerned about sparse attendance, so he published this item in the church bulletin:

This . . . is . . . the . . . way . . . the . . . church . . . sometimes . . . looks . . . to . . . the . . . preacher . . . when . . . he . . . goes . . . into . . . the . . . pulpit.

Itwouldlooklikethisifeverybodybroughtsomebodyelsetochurch.

SANTA CLAUS STAGES

There are 4 Santa Claus stages:

1) When you believe in Santa.
2) When you don't believe in Santa.
3) When you are Santa.
4) When you look like Santa.

by ChristArt.com

TWO KINDS OF PEOPLE...

There are only two kinds of people in the world:

1) Those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord,"; and

2) Those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

FUNDRAISING

There is the story of a minister who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news.

The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

GREEN PASTURES

Youth is when we are always hunting greener pastures.

Middle age is when we can barely mow the one we've got.

STRONGMAN

The following is from an article by Ron Ferguson, entitled "A Merry Heart" which was printed in the Church of Scotland magazine "Life and Work" - it looks at the relationship between church and humour.

The strongman at a a circus squeezed the juice from a lemon between his hands. He then said to the audience "I will offer £200 to anyone who can squeeze another drop from this lemon." A thin, scholarly looking woman came forward, picked up the lemon, strained hard and managed to get a drop. The strongman was amazed. He paid the woman and asked "What is the secret of your strength?" "Practice", she answered. "I'm the treasurer of a Church of Scotland congregation!".

Most church treasurers will be nodding in recognition at this point!

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